Helping young boys with big feelings
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A carefully built tower comes crashing down. Your son's bottom lip starts to wobble, and before you know it you're reassuring him that he's fine and there's no need to cry.
It's a natural reaction. We want to make it better, and fast. But the way we respond to these moments, again and again, quietly teaches children which feelings are welcome and which to keep to themselves.
Thursday 19th November is International Men's Day, and this year's UK theme is Supporting Men and Boys. That support starts in the early years, when children first learn what feelings are and what to do with them, a big part of social development in early childhood.
Every child has big feelings, whatever their gender. We're focusing on boys for International Men's Day, but every idea here works for all children.
“Emotional literacy in the early years is the foundation for everything that follows. When we give children the language for their emotions, we help them understand their own feelings and those of others, giving them kindness, resilience and meaningful connections throughout their lives.” Karen, N Senior Education Advisor
Emotional literacy in the early years
Emotional literacy is the ability to notice, name and express feelings, and the early years are when it takes root. The words and reactions boys hear at home shape what they believe they're allowed to feel.
What is emotional literacy?
Put simply, it means understanding your own feelings and being able to talk about them, a key part of social development in early childhood. Children who recognise their own emotions find it easier to understand how others feel. That's the foundation for empathy, friendships and learning to calm down.
Naming feelings: building a bigger emotional vocabulary
Most young children start with happy, sad and cross. Learning more words, like frustrated, nervous, proud or disappointed, helps them explain what's going on inside, and naming a feeling often makes it easier to manage. A few ideas from our nurseries that work at home too:
- Use a mood meter. Our nurseries use a Mood Meter that sorts feelings by colour and energy. A simple version on the fridge lets your son point to how he feels today.
- Learn feeling signs together. Our Educators use Makaton signs alongside words, giving children another way to share how they feel.
- Make faces in the mirror. Take turns pulling happy, surprised and worried faces, then guess each other's feelings.
- Find feelings in the body. Butterflies in the tummy or tight fists are clues that help boys spot a big feeling before it boils over.
Letting boys cry
Crying is one of the healthiest ways children release big feelings. When boys learn early that tears are okay, they're more likely to keep sharing how they feel as they grow.
Many of us grew up being told that big boys don't cry, usually with love. Simply staying close, offering comfort and letting the tears run their course sends a powerful message instead. Asking what happened, rather than hurrying him to be brave, shows that his feelings matter.
How the language we use at home shapes what children feel allowed to feel
Children pick up a lot from the adults around them:
- Name and label your own feelings. Letting him see you notice your frustration and take a deep breath shows that grown-ups have feelings, and calm ways to handle them.
- Praise effort and kindness, not just toughness. Celebrating hard work and caring behaviour shows these qualities matter.
- Offer the same comfort to every child. A cuddle for a grazed knee matters just as much for a boy as for a girl.
What our Educators do at nursery
Big feelings are a normal part of growing up, and at N we help children make sense of them. Our Educators lead by example, naming their own feelings and staying calm when things feel stressful, often with a few slow breaths using our breathing ball. Books like The Colour Monster, emotion cards and faces, and games help children find the words for what they feel, whether that’s happy, worried or angry. And when emotions run high, children can use the breathing ball or take a moment in one of our calm spaces, with soft resources and quiet activities to help them settle.
Friendships, kindness and asking for help
International Men's Day falls during Anti-Bullying Week (16th to 20th November), whose theme this year is Break the Silence. In the early years, that means building foundations: kind friendships, empathy, and knowing it's always okay to tell a grown-up when something doesn't feel right.
Why Anti-Bullying Week starts in the early years
The skills that help children speak up and be kind later on start forming now. A boy who can name his feelings and trusts the adults around him is much better placed to speak up when it matters.
How young boys' friendships develop
Friendships grow alongside the stages of play: from watching others, to playing alongside them, to playing together. Each stage brings new things to learn, like sharing and making up after a falling-out. Some boys connect through physical games, others through quiet, imaginative play; there's no right way to make a friend. Read more in our guide to the five stages of play.
Teaching empathy and kindness
Wonder aloud together about how characters in books are feeling, point out kind acts when you see them, and make time for pretend play, which lets children see things from someone else's point of view.
Making it okay to ask for help
This is the heart of Break the Silence. Boys benefit from hearing early and often that asking for help is a strength. You can:
- Show it yourself by mentioning times you've asked others for help.
- Give him simple, short phrases for asking for help or asking someone to stop.
- Solve problems together rather than fixing things straight away. Our problem solving activities for toddlers are a fun way to practise.
- Talk about trusted adults, including his key person at nursery.
The men who help shape the early years
Families come in all shapes and sizes, and children learn about feelings from every caring adult in their lives. For International Men's Day, we're celebrating the fathers, grandads, uncles, family friends and Educators who show young boys that feelings are welcome.
Showing feelings out loud
When the men in a child's life talk about their own feelings, boys learn that grown men have feelings too. It doesn't need to be a big conversation: a grandad sharing that he felt sad saying goodbye, or a father mentioning his nerves before a big day, is enough.
Gentle, everyday moments
Bedtime stories, a cuddle after a tumble or cooking dinner together all show boys that warmth and tenderness are part of who men can be.
Play, rough-and-tumble and big feelings
Physical play is a brilliant way to practise managing feelings. Chasing games and play fights give children safe chances to win and lose, stop when asked, and check in if someone gets hurt.
Male Educators in the early years
At N, we're proud of our diverse team of Educators, including the men who bring warmth and care to the family rooms every day. Seeing a wide range of caring adults helps every child understand that looking after others is for everyone.
“Children benefit from seeing positive male role models in early education. Every day gives you the opportunity to really make a difference in a child’s life! If you’re caring, patient and passionate about helping young children grow, it will honestly leave you feeling so happy. It gives you a sense of purpose and responsibility.”
Ideas for marking International Men's Day as a family
- Invite a grandad, uncle or family friend to read a favourite story about feelings.
- Draw a picture together of the people who care about your child.
- Ask the men in your family to share a time they felt scared or proud as a child.
Simple ways to support your son's emotional wellbeing at home
- Do a daily feelings check-in. Take turns sharing the best and trickiest bits of your day, so he sees that grown-ups have ups and downs too.
- Create a calm corner. A cosy spot with cushions and books gives him somewhere to go when feelings get big. Sit with him there.
- Read books about feelings. Pause to wonder together how a character might be feeling.
- Praise kindness and effort. Celebrate caring, trying hard and being a good friend.
- Make time for one-to-one play. Ten minutes of phone-free play helps children open up. A quick game from our listening games guide is a lovely way to settle down together.
- Stay in touch with his key person. Agree on the same feeling words so he hears a consistent message at home and at nursery.
Frequently asked questions
Is it okay for boys to cry?
Yes, absolutely. Crying is a healthy, natural way for every child to release big feelings. When boys learn early that tears are welcome, they're more likely to keep talking about how they feel as they grow. Offering comfort and staying close is often all they need.
How can I help my son talk about his feelings?
Start small and keep it light. Name your own feelings, read books about emotions together, and try a daily feelings check-in. Tools like emotion stones can help when the words won't come. Most of all, listen without rushing to fix things.
At what age do children start to understand emotions?
Babies respond to emotions from very early on, and by around two most children are starting to name simple feelings like happy and sad. Between three and five, their vocabulary grows quickly, and they begin to understand that other people have feelings too.
What can I do if my son is struggling with friendships at nursery?
Friendships take time, and every child finds their own way. Talk to his key person, who can share what they're noticing and how they're supporting him. At home, play games that involve taking turns and talk about what makes a good friend.
Closing thoughts
Supporting men and boys starts in the small, everyday moments of the early years: a cuddle after tears, a new word for a big feeling, a grown-up who admits they felt nervous too. There's no perfect script. What matters is that boys grow up knowing their feelings are welcome, and that asking for help is always okay.
Looking for more ideas? Explore more parenting content on The Family Hub, or find out how our educators support children's emotional development at your nearest N nursery.
