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A toddler throws their cup because it is the wrong colour. A child pushes another child away during play. A simple request suddenly ends in tears. During such moments, our first instinct is often to stop the behaviour, fix the situation and get things back to normal.
But what if we looked underneath instead?
Challenging behaviour in early years is often a form of communication. In this article, we explore what may be happening under the surface, what is normal at different stages of development, and how families can respond with understanding and support.
Picture an iceberg floating in the sea. Only a small part is visible above the water, while most sits beneath the surface.
The same idea can be applied to children's behaviour. A tantrum, hitting or refusing to get dressed is what we see. Underneath might be tiredness, hunger, frustration, sensory overload, anxiety or a need for connection.
Instead of asking, "How do I stop this behaviour?", the model encourages families to ask, "What might my child be communicating?"
Adults can usually say, "I've had a difficult day, and I need some quiet time." A toddler may not have the language or self-awareness to do that. Their communication might instead take the form of challenging behaviour, like crying, shouting or refusing to cooperate.
Changes in routine, tiredness, hunger, sensory needs and big emotions can all influence a child's behaviour. The environment matters too. A busy setting, difficult social interactions or a transition away from favourite play can feel overwhelming.
A child's brain develops rapidly throughout the early years, but the systems involved in reasoning, impulse control and emotional regulation are still very much under construction.
One helpful way to picture this development is to imagine an "upstairs" and "downstairs" brain. This simple metaphor describes the downstairs brain as managing instinctive responses and strong emotions, while the upstairs supports reasoning, planning and self-control.
Strong emotions make clear thinking harder. A young child may feel frustration immediately, while the ability to pause, find language and choose a response takes longer to develop. Building emotional vocabulary can help, as explored in our guide to the importance of emotional literacy.
"Flipping the lid" describes a moment when emotion overwhelms a child's ability to think calmly. This might look like crying, screaming, hitting, running away or becoming unusually quiet. At this point, lengthy explanations are unlikely to help.
Children learn regulation through relationships. Co-regulation involves a calm voice, simple language, time and physical closeness. This helps them manage big emotions and build the foundation for self-regulation, closely connected to attachment theory.
Surface behaviour might include hitting, biting, shouting, throwing objects, refusing requests, struggling with transitions or withdrawing from social play. The same behaviour can have different causes for different children, which is why looking beneath it matters.
Underneath, a child may be feeling frightened, tired, frustrated, disconnected or overstimulated. They might need food, rest, reassurance, movement, attention or more time to process a change.
Predictability can also make a significant difference. This is why children need routines and an environment in which children know what to expect.
Every child develops differently, but understanding broad developmental patterns can make behaviour feel less alarming.
Babies communicate needs primarily through crying, facial expressions, movement and sounds. They depend on responsive adult care for regulation and cannot deliberately use behaviour to manipulate an adult.
As independence grows, so can frustration. A toddler may grab, bite, hit or become upset when prevented from doing something. Language is still developing, while impulses are powerful.
Big emotions, tantrums, difficulty sharing and testing boundaries are common. Children are learning social rules, but knowing a rule does not mean they can consistently manage their behaviour yet.
Preschool children usually have more language and growing social skills, but emotional regulation is still developing. They may negotiate rules, struggle during transitions or react strongly when tired or overwhelmed.
The goal is not to allow every behaviour. It is to support the need while maintaining safe, consistent boundaries. When we recognise that positive behaviour starts at home, everyday moments become opportunities to model, guide and support children.
Try giving the emotion simple language: "You feel frustrated because it was time to stop playing." Naming the feeling helps children gradually connect physical sensations, emotions and words.
Children often borrow calm from the adults around them. Lowering your voice, staying nearby and allowing time to settle can be more effective than trying to reason during the height of an emotional moment.
Consider what happened before the behaviour. Is the child hungry? Was the environment noisy? Did a social situation become difficult? Looking for a trigger can help families plan strategies and support children before they become overwhelmed.
Understanding a feeling does not mean accepting unsafe behaviour. You can validate the emotion while holding the boundary: "It's OK to feel angry. I won't let you hit though."
Consistency between home and an early years setting can also help. A nursery team can share observations with families and develop positive strategies together.
When exploring UK nurseries, families can look for a setting that takes this same supportive approach to behaviour.
There is a wide range of normal behaviour in early childhood. However, consider speaking with your child's health visitor, GP, nursery team or another qualified practitioner if behaviour is extreme, persistent, creates a significant risk, or regularly affects daily life, learning or social experiences. Understanding children's mental health can also help families recognise when changes in behaviour or emotions may need a little more attention.
The iceberg model suggests that visible behaviour is only what we see on the surface. Beneath it are the feelings, needs, experiences and environmental triggers that may be influencing a child’s behaviour.
A tantrum is often linked to frustration, disappointment or wanting something. A meltdown describes becoming overwhelmed and losing the ability to cope.
Emotional regulation develops gradually throughout childhood. Young children need plenty of co-regulation from trusted adults before they can consistently manage strong emotions independently.
Yes. Toddlers have limited impulse control and language, so these behaviours often follow an overwhelming emotion during interactions with other children.
Focus on connection and set clear boundaries. Acknowledge the feeling, keep everyone safe, and model the behaviour you want to see.
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