The first five years of life are a period of rapid brain development that sets the foundation for emotional health. Studies have shown that your emotional health at age 16 is the best indicator of positive mental and physical health in adulthood and can predict positive quality of life at age 30.
Parents and adults who are around children have an important role to play in shaping the wellbeing of children.
There are three areas that help children develop a good start in life:
Providing a warm and responsive relationship where children feel respected as individuals, comforted in times of stress, and safe in the knowledge they will receive care no matter what. Building a secure and safe relationship with a child promotes self-efficacy and allows children to practice new skills and learn from their mistakes.
Creating a predictable environment that is physically and emotionally safe for children to explore and learn at their stage of development. This needs to allow for safe risk taking without serious harm to a child’s wellbeing.
Teaching and coaching emotional skills through modeling of self-calming strategies, the use of role play and books, and using opportunities to practice. Like a coach on a sports team, children need scaffolding to build emotional skills and coping tools. Some children will need more than others depending on their temperament and it’s important to know that developing good emotional coping strategies and regulation is a process that takes many repetitions over the course of many years as our brains don’t mature until our mid-20’s.
There will be times when your child has an emotional outburst or a tantrum and you need to be available to support them through this.
Pause and remind yourself (if your child is not at risk of physical harm) “This is not an emergency”.
Focus on your emotional regulation by taking slow breaths, drinking a glass of water, or using a mantra (e.g. “This anger I see, it is not about me”).
Wait for the storm to pass and keep them safe by staying close by removing any objects that may harm them.
Many children don’t respond well to being talked to as words are an additional stressor so it might look like you’re doing nothing, but bringing your quiet calm to this situation is deeply helpful.
Once calm has returned, empathize with your child’s feelings while setting limits on behaviour if needed e.g. “It’s ok to feel angry with me, I won’t let you throw objects”
Remind them they are loved despite the big feelings they experienced, eg. “That anger was a lot. When you are ready I have a big cuddle waiting for you”
The teaching moment can never happen while a child is flooded with emotion. So wait a while or the next day to talk through what happened, making sure to focus on the things you want your child to learn. So saying, “I am not angry with you but I do want to talk about what happened yesterday. You can say ‘Mummy that’s not fair!’ but you cannot throw toys at me” is better than saying, “What you did yesterday was not ok. Throwing toys at me is dangerous so I am going to take your train set away from you until you learn to behave better”.
So much of a child’s wellbeing is our responsibility as adults and parents, it can feel daunting and difficult to have the skills of self-regulation to follow through on the needs that children will benefit from for their wellbeing.
Imagine yourself as a jug of water, starting the day reasonably full, but by the time you have given part of yourself to everyone else at home or at work, your jug is empty. Someone asks you for one more thing and you lose it. It’s understandable.
You can’t keep pouring from an empty jug.
Recognizing that your needs matter and are not self-indulgent or selfish is essential if you are going to have the energy to look after your little ones. Everyone talks about ‘self-care’ but often what is more powerful is to talk about boundaries. Make sure you learn to say ‘no’ to things that will drain your energy that are not priorities. Make sure you say ‘no’ to holding your child if you feel touched out and need personal space.
Prioritise and protect time to complete the stress cycle so your nervous system finds relief and calm and you will be better able to regulate your emotions and choose to respond to your child rather than react from a place of stress or overwhelm. Some ways to complete the stress cycle include:
Do something creative (drawing, knitting, writing, gardening, or cooking).
Have fun and laugh (watch a funny video, play a game that brings you joy)
Crying - tears release oxytocin ‘the feel good hormone’ and this helps to regulate our bodies and minds. Don’t hold on to your tears – allow them to flow.
Physical affection. If you consent to having someone touch you, a 20 second hug can activate the release of oxytocin and bring your body and mind some calm. If you have a pet, having a cuddle with them can reduce stress. Physical affection can also come through: self-massage (like moisturizing your hands or body), embracing yourself in a hug, or moving your hand in circular motions on your chest.
Deep breathing can help to regulate your stress response. Try a 4 second inhale, 6 second hold, 8 second exhale (repeat as many times as needed to notice a shift in your body).
Looking after yourself is essential and asking for help is a strength. If you are a parent struggling with your mental health while looking after the wellbeing of your child I want you to know there is support for you.
Have a look at the centre for emotional health for further useful and free resources and speak with a health professional if you feel more support would be useful to you. My book ‘How to be The Grown Up’ may also be a useful companion in your parenting and support you reparenting the parts that were not seen, heard or understood in your childhood.
How to encourage children to eat more vegetables (and enjoy them too!)
Parenting
Many families know the scene well: cucumber is loved on Monday, rejected by Wednesday, and anything green is suddenly treated with deep suspicion.
Fo...
